A bit about lizards

Even as I type the word a sense of ewwness takes over me. True that I try my best to love all the beings in the world irrespective of their colour, size, number of feet, weight or fur but my conscience doesn’t allow me to take the sight of a lizard.

I remember that as a kid, lizards were pretty much central to my decision of whether to enter my room or to stay out of it. In case I spotted one in the toilet, I’d stop my execution half way and instead contribute to the faster growth of a plant in a pot. Those were the days – you could water a plant openly and people would think it to be cute. (For the sake of humanity do not try it now!) An expensive research shows that one of the biggest fears in the world is that of a lizard falling on you. Of course, I was the only subject of the research.

The bloody things are just the right combo of brilliance and dumbness. They’ll position themselves on the small little walls on top of the doors scaring you every time you enter or step out. A witness says that I turn into a Mask-o-Shaktiman when I approach a door - walking faster than space ships. And when you try to shoo them off (or request someone else to do it for you, like in my case), they’ll play dead! Ha! How dumb is it to play dead on the walls? I suppose they don’t understand the gravity of the situation and hence, try to ignore gravity. Like the clash of arrows in Ramayana, a simultaneous occurrence of their boom of brilliance and our jolt of irritation takes place when they try their fake act of camouflage! Turn by turn, they’ll position themselves on all the brown coloured stuff –cupboard, shorts, chocolates, teddy bears, even mehen-dyed hair! And whose idea was it to have brown coloured brooms – the ultimate weapon to shoo lizards off?

As if the witty take on gravity was not enough, there is a touchy issue with gender sensitivity. All lizards (in Hindi and Marathi) are females. If you are a male with lizards in your room, it gives you a chance to come out of your room, make a public display of stretching yourself and when a friend tries to enter your room, shout at him, “Andar mat ja yaar… Woh dono abhi bhi so rahi hai!”

If you’re looking for things that keep lizards away, let me tell you, there’s absolutely nothing. People have told me to try egg shells and peacock feathers but none of them work. I have even gone to the extent of keeping egg shells painted with shades of peacock feather. May be I am the ultimate crawl-and-creep magnet. However, now that I have grown up, I have started believing friends who say that lizards are harmless – even good, since they eat bugs. So even as I write this, I am quite comfortable while a babe-on-the-front-wall stares at the screen secretly planning to fall on the keypad. Oh damn!! It is actually happening (in slow mo)! Itagkabd##%@goabgfbaohuba die die die!