Hair and Scare

It’s the year 2492 AD. Cars are a thing of museums and you step out of your home throwing kisses and waving collective goodbye to your cute girlfriend, wife and doggy (it’s legal). Suddenly a made-in-2491 AD high-tech ultra-silent truck (trucks are still in) creeps into the alley and zooms past you. You blurt out a “##@@@$#@!” while the look on each of the onlookers face blurts out the same clichéd, “Baal baal bach gaye!” You thank heavens for not being crushed; at the same time cursing the creator of this modus-dictum questioning why your “baal” are so important. That’s when you search the internet for “Why are hair so important?” and reach this post.

To differentiate man from other animals, God decided to add something more to the list of attributes like “social, tailless, unsatisfied and mean”. There was not much room so He decided to play God (imagine the movie titles saying – God as God!) to make it – by acting like a painter who’d paint new strokes to give new look to his creation every single moment.

The importance of baal is also reflected in what we are called as soon we come into this world – A baalak or a baalika. One of the first things we are trained to take care of is other’s hair. Remember – you were not allowed access to shiny sleek scissors and blades, not because you’d snap your fingers, but because (hold your breath) the shrewd adults thought that you’d cut their precious hair (or unfortunate wigs).

If you don’t realize the utility of hair, I am pleased to cite an example. A cunning cousin was very fond of creatures. He’d get stray puppies at home, fed them the entire fridge till they made mosaics on marbles by vomiting all over the place. My aunt used to give him a nice thrashing to deter him from acting Kutte-waale baba. But such a compulsive pet keeper, he thought of tiny pets. What follows was shared by him one night before we went to sleep. He spent loads of time in the sewage drains and got lice in his hair. He even got names for them. That was the last time we went to sleep together.

Another example that pops itself up is from a movie that I saw just last night. Both the leads are together in the tub (They’re married, if you want more details!). He figures out that they don’t have the tub drain stopper. Just then he whispers, “Can I play with your hair?” Of course, she allows him, and after 5 minutes of ruffling up he manages to get a drain stopper from her hair (Married or not, please do not try this at home).

Like sophisticated cockroaches, classy guys need signals to live their lives. That amazing signaling power is bestowed upon girls’ hair. Just like antennae, they have to be of the perfect length to pass a strong signal. Initially, they need not be all chamke-damke, even chipku-chipku will do. The chamke-damke demands will be put up later but eventually will be withdrawn if the guys’ wallets are taking an unsustainable hit.

I have been told by little birdies in huge corporations that even the most decisive CEO’s consult their friends/dads/in-laws if it’s the precise time to go for a cut. That brings us to the most important players in the hair care industry – the barbers.

One of the many irrelevant things that I figured out early in my life was that even if a four-feet-long haired sage goes for a haircut, the barber would spend most of his time snapping scissors at nothing! After I grew up to figure out that barbers aren’t necessarily barbaric, here’s what Prem bhaiyya, a highly rated hairdresser had to say about this air-snapping-trait, ”It’s our way of clicking Refresh on desktop. Nothing happens but well…it gives everybody the illusion that we’re working.”

You’ll be lucky to go through your entire life in the company of your hair. I know I have touched upon a sensitive topic. Hair fall is as (or may be even more) painful as a heartbreak - More because the affected parties are much more in number. Hair-fallen is simply crestfallen. Imagine you are at a restaurant and beneath those breads in your soup is an innocuous hair ball. (Sincerely hoping you are not having food as you read this). I am sure you’d yell out loud and clear, “Hair-aami ki aulaad!” On the other hand, if you are a housewife and want to seek a serious revenge on undercutting of hair care expense, you can launch a Baal-istic missile in his daal. Just make sure you feed him with your own hands, so that he doesn’t figure out that “Daal mein kuch kaala hai”.

We arrive at the sad stuff now- baldness. A shy literary genius filled me up on this. The word bald has been derived from balled attributed to fallen hair making formations in a ball-like fashion. “He has been hair-balled” has simply been changed to “He is bald”.

Now you see why hair, if not given due care, give rise to a scare? You may lose out on tiny pets, drain-stopper, signaling, revenge seeking! On the other hand, enough of the hair care industry. Anybody up for a partnership in the hair industry? Send your fallen hair to……