How to crack CAT?

(Disclaimer: This imaginary interview is not about ‘a small furry animal often kept as a pet’ but about the Common Admission Test. The blogger would be the first to shun any liability that threatens to arise as a consequence of taking things even in the slightest bit of seriousness.)

Q: How do I start studying for CAT?
Ans.: Create an aura of CAT around you. It is called CATosphere. CAT score is directly proportional to the number of people who know that you’re taking CAT. “CAT ki padhaai karni hai” is the success mantra. Give it to everybody – relatives, friends, the waiter who keeps delaying you service, people in a wedding queue and even to your faithful dog whose internal mechanism is not so faithful when you’re walking him after dinner.

Q: Really? Which section do I start from - English, Math or Data Interpretation?
Ans: English of course! If you don’t know English, how would you read the Math problems? Go through the word list. Throw insanely difficult words at innocent people. Two extremely simple examples to get you going:
To a love struck friend: “Pintu, has Pinky beguiled you? I vehemently advise you to be far-sighted. She has had diddled many an innocent soul in the imperfect past.”
To someone on the cricket ground, “Please yaar Chintu. Don’t get intrepid with Shera. Abstain from stirring up a hornets’ nest on the field. You don’t want to end up all lachrymal and lolloping before the next match.”

Q: Wow! Tell me how to deal with Math. I guess it is my weak section.
Ans: Guessing is a positive start. Most of it is all about guessing. Learn all the formulae. Even if you can’t learn them, the formulae sheets should be stuck up everywhere. Spoil all your walls. Don’t even spare the floors. If you still can’t learn them, get both your hands in a fake fracture cast and do the needful on the day of CAT.
Do calculations all the time. Adding numbers on number plates and calculating batsmen’s average is a child’s play. But if you can calculate the ratio of your average heart rate to the number of times that special someone smiles while talking to you as you keep one eye on the substitute future prospect in the background, you’ve mastered math!
You must have heard of that famous saying – I read and I forget. I do this and I do that. I don’t remember much of it but it ends with “I do and I understand.” Start doing the problems. I mean actually do them. Flip coins a million times to solve probability problems. Row up and down the river and travel to and fro between towns to solve speed, time and distance problems.

Q: Amazing. What if I won’t be able to get through? Should I take up an employment opportunity or stay back at home and study?
Ans: Extremely good question. Incidentally, this query has been answered in beautiful verses by an Eighth century poet – Billeshwar.

“Decided now to write the CAT, he thinks his career is gonna get rocking,
Won’t be long before dejection sets in and mock CATs do the mocking.

The road to doomsday is like a code with infinite loops nested,
The worrying wait for the next Sunday leaves this one wasted.

A fine November Sunday brings the CAT prowling,
A midnight in January gets a few dancing while most are howling.

Now that you’ve been had by the CAT’s vexed mauling,
Get shamelessly fat and let people know - you’re all set for CAT’s next calling.”