I m mature

For starters, “this is not about hating maturity” – that is what I have told myself before actually starting. Also if you are looking for maturity of bonds, women, etc. - shoo shoo hut hut – far you go from my eyesight (crude translation – courtesy Wheel Supreme).


There are some things you don’t have but you really really want them. The list can go on and on. It might be a GI Joe, high heels, a flat tummy, the other guy’s girl, the other girl’s guy’s other girl or any combination of these or simply for that matter, just some guy/girl (late entry - ability to blog to match the awesomeness of earlier posts)! And then there are some things you don’t have and you don’t even want to have – a persistent itch at the wrong place, an allergy to the most sensual perfume, fake praise, Reshamiya’s brays, Balan’s fats or Sawant’s stats.

For some, maturity falls (that too, flat on its face) in the second category. It just doesn’t come naturally to some. It is just like combing your hair every single day before going out. Have an interview? Practice a straight face. But just like you have a bad hair day, you might have a bad maturity-façade day. And then? Imagine this.

He asks, “Tell me your short and long term plans.”

You have a throat clearing ceremony, sit straight in your chair, look straight at him and start off, “After I embark on the journey of my professional career, I want to mould myself in the culture at ____, which is valued so highly in the corporate arena.” A momentary pause and you think – ‘Oh my god! The mole on his nose looks like a fly!’ Now if that happens, God save you from giving him a “Phbbbbbbbbt…hahaha.”

OK I am not going to dissect the origin, emergence and stemming out of immaturity. If you thought that I could actually do it, here – “Phbbbbbbbbt…hahaha”

So what do immature people think about and how do you spot one?
Read this as “while doing” – “they think about or actually do”:

• Walking– bowling a quick imaginary ball and playing it stylishly (often seen at airports)

• Thinking about the environment –The only bad thing about it being that you don’t have enough trees that will allow you to swing like Tarzan

• Writing forms – making up answers and having a good laugh thinking what would’ve happened, had it actually happened

• Being alone – playing akkad bakkad bambai bo/ think about innocent crimes and talking to themselves in rhymes

• Watching movies – dozing off/making up a story with an unimaginable alien twist

• Dancing – discovering a breath-taking step and actually stealing the show by doing it (e.g. one finger in the mouth accompanied by a vigorous shake of the neck)

• Eating – Smelling everything before eating and then making morsels, arranging them in the plate and naming them before eating each one

• Drinking – When the glass is full, making bubbles by blowing in to the straw and when it is empty, sucking through it to make a really interesting sound

• After blowing your nose in the handkerchief – looking at the handkerchief to see if you have managed to make a map of any country, followed by another attempt and then another.

• Swimming – Going in the water ,singing a song and asking the other person if he could make out the song

• Writing blogs – Wondering if you can actually make a word by mixing the alphabets

• Explaining things –using unrelated analogies

• Discovering that the laptop has become unusually hot - getting clothes out of the closet and quickly start ironing them
  

As for others, they give these innocent people a tough time by giving them derogatory looks(by the way, you can make 'Gatorade' from 'derogatory', just by borrowing an extr ‘a’ from extra). The most painful bit is when people ask questions like, “Why did you just do that?”
So why do these people act like this? From where I observe, there’s just one answer – there is no answer. It’s like that particular scene from all movies – Hindi or English. When the doctor takes out the bullets from a body, they show him ceremoniously putting them in a bowl. It doesn’t have any meaning. But well, the tinkering sound of the bullet does sound great! (If you didn’t get the analogy, refer to the last bullet in the bullets before this paragraph.)
I know many of us feel like acting immature. But there is some strange force in the world that makes us to be the way we are and take a stand for – ‘I m mature.’

Yes. I do seem to hate maturity.

How to crack CAT?

(Disclaimer: This imaginary interview is not about ‘a small furry animal often kept as a pet’ but about the Common Admission Test. The blogger would be the first to shun any liability that threatens to arise as a consequence of taking things even in the slightest bit of seriousness.)

Q: How do I start studying for CAT?
Ans.: Create an aura of CAT around you. It is called CATosphere. CAT score is directly proportional to the number of people who know that you’re taking CAT. “CAT ki padhaai karni hai” is the success mantra. Give it to everybody – relatives, friends, the waiter who keeps delaying you service, people in a wedding queue and even to your faithful dog whose internal mechanism is not so faithful when you’re walking him after dinner.

Q: Really? Which section do I start from - English, Math or Data Interpretation?
Ans: English of course! If you don’t know English, how would you read the Math problems? Go through the word list. Throw insanely difficult words at innocent people. Two extremely simple examples to get you going:
To a love struck friend: “Pintu, has Pinky beguiled you? I vehemently advise you to be far-sighted. She has had diddled many an innocent soul in the imperfect past.”
To someone on the cricket ground, “Please yaar Chintu. Don’t get intrepid with Shera. Abstain from stirring up a hornets’ nest on the field. You don’t want to end up all lachrymal and lolloping before the next match.”

Q: Wow! Tell me how to deal with Math. I guess it is my weak section.
Ans: Guessing is a positive start. Most of it is all about guessing. Learn all the formulae. Even if you can’t learn them, the formulae sheets should be stuck up everywhere. Spoil all your walls. Don’t even spare the floors. If you still can’t learn them, get both your hands in a fake fracture cast and do the needful on the day of CAT.
Do calculations all the time. Adding numbers on number plates and calculating batsmen’s average is a child’s play. But if you can calculate the ratio of your average heart rate to the number of times that special someone smiles while talking to you as you keep one eye on the substitute future prospect in the background, you’ve mastered math!
You must have heard of that famous saying – I read and I forget. I do this and I do that. I don’t remember much of it but it ends with “I do and I understand.” Start doing the problems. I mean actually do them. Flip coins a million times to solve probability problems. Row up and down the river and travel to and fro between towns to solve speed, time and distance problems.

Q: Amazing. What if I won’t be able to get through? Should I take up an employment opportunity or stay back at home and study?
Ans: Extremely good question. Incidentally, this query has been answered in beautiful verses by an Eighth century poet – Billeshwar.

“Decided now to write the CAT, he thinks his career is gonna get rocking,
Won’t be long before dejection sets in and mock CATs do the mocking.

The road to doomsday is like a code with infinite loops nested,
The worrying wait for the next Sunday leaves this one wasted.

A fine November Sunday brings the CAT prowling,
A midnight in January gets a few dancing while most are howling.

Now that you’ve been had by the CAT’s vexed mauling,
Get shamelessly fat and let people know - you’re all set for CAT’s next calling.”

Meri Teesri Kavita - Gone Crazy with the Waiting Wind

Every morning I wake up feeling anything but awesome,
The next thing I know is that I am brushing my teeth with cherry blossom.

Thinking about the wittiest of girls seems to be a time waste,
On some days I even brush my non existent hair with a toothbrush with a paste.

As I said, every girl seems uninteresting - from a Virgo to a Leo
On days I even wash the contact lenses on my eyes with my smelly deo.

I was waiting for it so anxiously that it has messed up the movement of my bowel,
I have begun to dry my body with a napkin and for my hands I use a towel.

In the garden, I stare at dancing fountains surrounded by oblique violets,
And then I emulate the pattern of fountains except when I am in public toilets.

Once a Bunty pehelwaan, now even the sight of stairs leaves me bed stricken,
Everything seems tasteless – be it barf ka gola, paani puri or Saoji’s chicken.

Every single minute I am occupied with just a single thought to think,
Even my work-out sessions have started to work in - causing my muscles to shrink.

Seems like I am leading a lonely life borrowed on a heavy lease,
Nothing gives a high – not even tormenting people whom I simply loved to tease.

Turbulent times these when thoughts appear like a murky poem and not in prose,
It’s wise to end it here before you freak out with my imagination’s overdose.