Admission Interview Indore

(Disclaimer: This post is purely a work of imagination. Questions are genuine. The answers should not be given under any circumstances - not even under adult supervision.)

Right guy : R, Left guy: L

L: Give me your certificates file.
Me: Here. Take it. Handle with care. Don’t steal any of the certificates.

R: So your name is Pushkar?
Me: No. It’s my brother’s name.

R: And _____ is your father’s name?
Me: Yes and xxxxx is my last name.

R: It’s your family name, right?
Me: No it’s my last name.

R: So what did you do in VNIT?
Me: I played cricket. I used to have lunch. I liked the Maggie bhel in the canteen. I also checked out a few girls. By the time I passed out, I realized that I had completed Electrical Engineering.

R: When did you clear your engineering?
Me: Ask L. He has the certificates. His confused looks give me a feeling that he won’t be able to figure out the year. It’s 2006.

R: What have you done since then?
Me: Ask me, what have I not done?

R: What have you not done?
Me: OK I’ll tell you what I have done. I took up a job. I sucked at it. To be frank I couldn’t figure out why I was being paid for. I had free net access for around 10 months. Not that they charged me after that. I left the job since I couldn’t take the jargon anymore. After that I took up CA. I have been doing Complete Aaram since then.

R: You completed Electrical Engineering. Do you remember anything?
Me: No. But I know you’ll still ask.

R: What is this subject ‘Network theorems’ about?
Me: Some network theorems they taught us. Kirchoff, Thevenin, Norton, MPTT.

R: What is Norton theorem?
Me: Norton nahi.. say Norton ji. He’s elder to you.

R: What is Nortonji’s theorem?
Me: Ask him. It’s his.

R: What is the use of that theorem? Any use of this equivalent current source and parallel load?
Me: Yes. You get marks for solving problems using this theorem. Quite useful.

R: Can we apply it to any network?
Me: Not to power systems I guess. Else they won’t give us that subject.

R: What do you do to power systems?
Me: I don’t do anything. Dogs do something to transmission poles. I remember load flow equations or something making their way in my brain networks.

R: How do you solve them?
Me: I don’t. Newtonji, Raphsonji, Gaussji and Seidelji – these four people – had so much time on their hands. They solved equations without having any known variables. I don’t think we should rely much on them.

R: Tell us about Newtonji-Raphsonji method.
Me: I don’t know. They formulated it long back. We can’t rely on historians to pass it down to us correctly. It’s tweaked now. Totally unreliable.

R: What is maximum power transfer theorem?
Me: It’s like a dog, you know? It never eats when you are watching. Maximum power transfers when there is nobody watching the circuit.

R: What is this switchgear and protection?
Me: Funny subject. If you drive/ride, you’ll know how you switch gears and need protection. Helmets, seat belts and bulletproof jackets!

R: Seriously? What are relays?
Me: Four runners running and passing baton to win. Nobody is capable enough to run it completely.

R: What is a circuit breaker?
Me: Hammer. If a circuit misbehaves, we hit it with the hammer.

L: What is the meaning of Pushkar? Can you use it as a noun only or (mumbles)
Me: What? What do you want to use it as? Push kar? Gande aadmi!

L: What is Pushkar famous for?
Me: Pushkar is famous for spoofing interviews.

L: Anything more?
Me: Yes. He’s famous for snatching back his certificates. Give me that file! NOW!

L: Do you know about a list of great Indian cricketers recently rolled out?
Me: They’re all great. Not a single one among them is a common man.

L: Did India win a world cup in cricket ever in a 50 over match?
Me: No they won for 60 over one..

L: When?
Me: 1857

L: Who was the Man of the final Match?
Me: Rajesh Chauhan

L: what did he do in the final?
Me: He played in it.

L: Who’s his brother?
Me: Shivraj Chauhan

L: What does he do?
Me: He steals money from mom, buys chocolates for his little brother Rajesh and keeps the free stickers.

L: Tell me five great Indian all rounders?
Me: Robin Singh, Ravi Shastri, Sunil Joshi, Harvinder Singh and umm….Venkatpathi Raju. That was in the order of importance – worst to best.

L: Tell me top three all time all rounders of the world.
Me: Richie Benaud, Yousuf Pathan (scored points by mentioning an Indian in the list!) and Vidya Balan – she is round all over (more points yay!)

L: Thank you.
Me: It’s ok. (to R)You want to ask something?

R: No. Thank you.
Me: It’s ok yaar. Don’t get scared. (to L) Take care of him. See ya guys later.

Meri Dusri Kavita

To dosto baat us waqt ki hai jab mein rehta tha gaav mein,
Behta tha paani naak se aur chappal nahi thi paav mein.

Khair ek din hamaare gaav mein ek saadhu maharaj aaye the,
Apne saath kuch jaadu ki vastuye aur ek sundar kanya laaye the.

Pataa chalaa us kameene ki kamseen haseena ka naam tha Savita,
Aur saadhu ji ki speaking style synced perfectly with the rhyme scheme of this kavita.

“Toh logo aap to jaante hi hai, hum sab ki aakhir jalne waali hai chitaaye,
Main jaanta hoon jeevan ke saare raaz, aakhir everest pe barah saal fukat hi nahi hai bitaaye

“I am not the one who’d want to give you any false promises,
But first a promise from you - nobody would ogle at my missus.”

Mere taraf dekh ke saadhu bole, “Jaraa idhar to aao baalak,”
Main bhi jaa kar puchne laga, “Kya main mushkil mein hoon maalak?”

Saadhu bole, “I see you eye my Savi as if a hen for a feisty feast!”
I said, “Not at all sir, it’s not in my demeanor to be a nasty beast!”

“Agar aap kahe to main aap ke darbaar se chale jaata hoon,
Everest to main gaya nahi, lekin masala everest ka hi khaata hoon!”

Just as I wished that sadhu’s show would be as flop as Herman,
My ears shook up with the words of his serpentine sermon.

“See I would have told you about my Himalayan quests,
But since it’s beyond your reach, I’d tell you my requests.

To have a sacred soul like me amongst you for long,
And through me, I’d make your souls, bones and teeth so very strong.

I request you to serve me lots of food, butter or oily, without any buts
And oh yeah, every dish has to have a pinch of almonds and cashewnuts.

My life is for serving you, oh god’s best creatures,
I don’t crave beyond grape juices flowing from pitchers.”

Endless requests ka end dhundne school ka Kisna master bhoka
Aur ek jargoned generic statement us sadhu ke maathe Thoka..

“Prabhuwar, hamaare life se dukhho ka saaya hataaye
Aur jeevan saarthak banaane ka koi simplest of simple formula bataaye”

“Dekho hum jaise log bahut complicated cheeze bataate hai,
Jaise jeevan ki patang ko ummeed ke thread se udaate hai

Aise aur fruitlessly futile sentences hum roz roz bataayenge,
Aaj ke liye itna kaafi hai – ab hum fruits ka chadhaava khaayenge.

Jeevan ek jive aur jam session hai jisme jaane na kitne jaane jaa chuki hai,
Aaj aur nahi hoga – apni baate sun sunkar hume hi neend aa chuki hai.”

subah ke low temperature mein gaav waale high pelvic pressure lekar river kinaare jaate the,
Aur Kisna master river water ke volume ko temperature, pressure se relate kar Boyle’s law samjhaate the.

Zor lagaate hue sarpanch bole, “Hum sab ko mil ke zor lagaana hai,
Aaj raat tak hi us dhongi baba ko gaav se bhagaana hai”

Kisna kaka bola “Tumhaare pet ke liye hum sab kyu aur kaise zor lagaayenge?
Jaha tak saadhu ka sawaal hai usey to hum milke hi bhagaayenge.”

Us din hum sabne sadhu ko tremendously tempting mithaayi khilaayi thi,
But the dhaasu sadhu didn’t know ki humne har mithaai mein halki neend ki goli milaayi thi.

“Soye hue saadhu ko iske khatiya ke saath hi uthaao”, harangued the gung-ho Mr. Hangal,
And we promptly deported the smelly bellied saadhu to the middle of the jungle.

Do din ke baad saadhu maharaj jab fir gaav aaye, badal chuka tha sab kuchh,
Andar jaa chukka tha pet aur gaayab thi daadhi – muuchh.

Feeling sorry for the poor fellow, we realized that jungle safari had truly made him suffer,
Savita ji ko dekh ke who muskurakar bola “Kal se hum shuru karenge zindagi mein ek naya safar”

Sun ke usko Savita ji khilkhilaakar boli, “Dekho to mujhe dekh ke kaise aahe bharta hai!”
And giving him a playful punch, she said, “Saala nautanki, ghadi ghadi drama karta hai.”

So the poem ends with the saadhu turning out to be wise and cool,
He eventually became the moral science teacher of the village school.

I swear the poem has finished – mere paas aur kuch nahi hai bataane ke liye,
Agar aapko jungle nahi pahochna to bina soche Comments section ke taraf chaliye!

A bit about Gym

Finally, the day arrived when I cared to look at myself in the mirror. A shabby mess (yes, my face) looked right back at me. Ignoring the ignominy I looked down (a little up) in the mirror. What I saw was huge and yes it was much more than just mortifying. I was a humiliated owner of one of the fattest bellies. To make matters worse, it seemed to be laughing back at me. I felt helpless unable to deflate or kick it like I had done twice when my childhood park friends had allowed me to touch their football. Without thinking much, I thought of joining the nearby much hyped gym. The theoretical beauties at the reception gave me measured-to-three-seconds smiles each (and I asked myself if I was being smiled or laughed at?). They asked me to get myself registered. The fee was extremely ill structured if you think in terms of normal trade practice. I was there to give them my flab and they wanted me to give money too? What happened to the good old “Ek haath(pet?) de, ek haath le” adage?

I tried bargaining almost like a child – “What if I don’t lose the entire flab? What if I develop just a 2 pack? What if I run on the treadmill without power? What if I plug my ears and don’t listen to music?” Each question evoked just a shake of heads. But I had worked hard on developing my bargaining skills and popped the ace-question with a 99% chance of earning a 10% discount, “What if I come when there’s nobody of the opposite gender?” Now that got their eyelashes batting. “We’ll still be here, won’t we?” Feeling awful about my bargaining ability, I came home, collected cash, ran back to the gym, thought about throwing it on their face but peacefully handed it over.

Once on the floor, I saw some extremely fit people and many extremely unfit people. Looking at the latter category (with a sense of belonging), I just knew I was being laughed at (rather than being smiled at) at the reception.

It’s a fascinating scene if you happen to be there for the first time. Picture these:

1. Guys in their teens who believe that they’ve reached the pinnacle of their built walking like Stallone but in reality are bony enough to be forcefully admitted in hospitals for anorexia.
2. A chubby couple wearing identical clothes running on the treadmill; after they’re done, he goes the extra mile to bring her glucose, pulls her cheeks (for some reason) and gives a hi-five as they move towards the stepper. The excruciating pain, my friend, is subdued by the extreme vows of togetherness.
3. A trainer shouts at his trainee lifting weight, “Come on. You can do it! Lift!!” In the mean time, the trainee falls down, looks at the trainer, smiles back and gently says the same words.

The only thing more interesting than the floor is to hear conversations in the changing room. My picks:

1. “Weight lifting and cardio don’t help in the long run. It’s the other physical activities that do the trick.” (Let’s leave it at that.)
2. Looking at the ladder (kept for repairing the heater) in the bathroom, “Yeh ladder pe chadh ke kaun shower leta hai?”

My first day’s heroics at the gym showed their true colors the next day. Almost every muscle ached and screamed in pain. My gait had assumed a manner that would not make me (or the watchers) comfy outside the house gate. I returned to gym the next day. Looking at my shakuni-ish walk, one of the trainers whispered in my ears, “We call this walk, the ‘First Day First Show’ walk.” Considering my walk and the momentary situation of being whispered into by a super fit trainer, I quickly moved away from him.

That was the day I resolved:

“Not very long from today, I would be a jabardast gabru jawaan,

Everyone would point at me and scream, 'Hey there he is!The Bunty Pehelwaan!”